The Middle Earth List
by WoodElfJedi
Summary: Basically, it's a list that involves what you shouldn't do in Middle Earth and a few other things. If you need a good laugh, read this! Suggestions are greatly appreciated and so are reviews! Note: Original title was 101 Things You Should Never do in Middle Earth ON HOLD!
1. Chapter 1

**I finally saw BOTFA! It was AWESOME! Anyway, I'm glad that I am finally writing something LOTR. Unless you have seen the movies and know them very well, you might not get some of these. I am planning on doing ten chapters, 10-11 things per chapter. I don't have a update system yet, so they might come randomly. Please R&R!**

**P.S. Some of these are supposed to have never, don't, etc. I didn't feel like adding them. And these are from both Hobbit movies and LOTR movies.**

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><p>1. Never be at the receiving end of a Wizard's staff. You'll end up with bruises or otherwise.<p>

2. Balrogs: Never take an Istari lightly. It will be your undoing.

3. Nazgul: Don't challenge a she-elf, who's bearing a Halfling if:

a) She has a sword

b) Can most likely use mentioned sword

c) Is in a supposedly trickling stream

d) Knows how to command supposed stream

4. Never underestimate Strider's hearing.

5. Don't snore if Strider is within hitting range. Especially if you're in Lothlorien and the elves are singing a lament.

6. It's never a good idea to play with the Urak-Hai. Especially if they're looking for Hobbits.

7. To many lembas = stinky boat. Seriously Pippin?

8. Running out of arrows. Big no-no.

9. Dressing up as orcs and joining the army.

10. Never underestimate Halflings or a certain she-elf from Lothlorien. Sauron, you better order a shovel.

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><p><strong>There's the first chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!<strong>

**WoodElfJedi**


	2. Chapter 2

**These all flow together. Enjoy!**

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><p>11. Or shield-maidens of Rohan for that matter.<p>

12. Never try to steal Legolas' horse. Or any other elven horse, while we're on the subject.

13. Careful who you call 'pointy-eared'. You might end up with an arrow between your eyes next time, instead of your legs.

14. Just because it's a few decades old doesn't mean that it's not sharp. I won't even go on...

15. Falling off a cliff into a raging river has never been a good idea.

16. Trying to steal Bilbo's silver spoons.

17. Please don't overdo it with Ent-water. Height doesn't always matter.

18. Speaking of Ents, NEVER EVER underestimate their strength and endurance. Especially if they are angry.

19. Never ask Gandalf how old he is. He'll probably give you a riddle. Or not answer at all.

20. Never give up hope if Aragorn's around. It will end up with you rallying or men and riding out to meet the army amassed at your front door.

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><p><strong>What did you think? Please R&amp;R!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

***annoyed face* I COMPLETELY forgot the disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. These are Tolkien's woods. I'm just being a wood elf in his woods. **

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><p>21. <em>Never<em> tell a wizard he is late. He'll just tell you that he's always on time.

22. Sometimes smoking isn't the best idea when you are in a meeting. You might choke on the smoke.

23. Aragorn was named Estel for a reason. Don't tell him he shouldn't be King of Gondor.

24. Just because someone appears dead, doesn't mean that they are. Make sure before you try to torch them.

25. Don't turn your back after a Balrog falls off a bridge. Make sure they have at _least _fallen a few thousand feet, before you do.

26. Don't ask Gandalf if he ever loses his pointy hat. He doesn't.

27. Who says that mushrooms have addled Radagast's brain? He seems perfectly fine to me.

28. Just because you are at the head of the White Council, doesn't necessarily mean that you are the most powerful person in Arda. News flash Saurman: You're not.

29: Looks can be deceiving. Gandalf isn't as frail as he appears.

30. Gandalf can bark and bite. So be careful.

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><p><strong>And if any of you <em>really <em>want to know, _some persons_, *glares at the Fellowship, who scatter* aren't letting me have the rights. *begins to chase the Fellowship***


	4. Chapter 4

**HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!**

**Here's the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. This disclaimer goes for future chapters and the previous ones.**

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><p>31. Never steal Legolas' shampoo<p>

32. Or his conditioner. Seriously, don't try it. Ever.

33. Almost being discovered by Easterlings wasn't the greatest idea, Frodo.

34. Staying _hidden _at a _secret _council was the idea. Joining the Quest wasn't. (At first, anyway...)

35. I thought that Wizards could solve any riddle. Apparently not...

36. Next time Pippin, be careful which skeleton you touch. I wouldn't advise one holding the bucket, sitting on the edge of a well.

37. Not bringing shaving items was a great idea, Aragorn! (No sarcasm)

38. Or his hair gel. You know what?! Just don't even _try to steal _Legolas' hair stuff! Period!

39. You might want to check who's at the door before you yell, "No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations!"

40. Never ask a Wizard the _exact time _they will show up. They will _almost never _show when we would like them to.

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><p><strong>Please R&amp;R! Sorry about the disclaimer. I completely forget about it.<strong>

**WoodElfJedi **


	5. Chapter 5

***shouts triumphantly* I finally got the rights to LOTR! Yes! *Legolas jumps down from a tree, fires and arrow, which goes through the papers and they are pinned to the ground* Really?! Come on! *Legolas jumps down from tree, grabs the papers and his arrow and disappears into a tree* **

**So much for the rights. *sighs climbs a tree and goes after Legolas***

**Disclaimer: Read above paragraph. It's pretty obvious.**

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><p>41. Never say "My precioussssssss." You would probably have a lot of people wanting you, well...<p>

42. You probably would want to watch your back if Isuldir has the One Ring.

42. How about checking if there are any captives before you attack?!

43. Frodo, a Wizard will rarely, if ever, tell you his secrets.

44. _Barely involved _Gandalf? *snorts* Oh yeah, sure. Like that's true. Not.

45. I didn't know that throwing half of your quiver away while fighting a dragon was a good idea. Maybe I'll try it sometime!

46. Ice isn't always as strong as it looks, Thorin.

47. Whoever said that dwarves and elves never get along, period, obviously had never heard of possibilities. There's always hope!

48. Oh, come on Sam! Don't be shy!

49. Maybe someone should guard the fireworks if Merry and Pippin are around. :)

50. Never call Denthor mad. Call him insane and then run.

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><p><strong>Well, I haven't seen Legolas yet, but I hope you all enjoyed these!<strong>

***spots Legolas* See you later!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here you go! The first two go to Elite Warrior. Thanks Pal!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings.**

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><p>51. What did Gandalf say about the Plantir, Pippin? Do NOT touch it!<p>

52. Never leave your shield behind at camp. You actually might survive a battle.

53. Mushrooms. Always the downfall of Hobbits. Literally.

54. Never play the drinking game with an elf. He'll win.

55. Just because you don't _sink _in the the snow, doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be _buried _under it.

56. Talk about bringing down a mountain. Geez, Saurman.

57. Don't throw rocks in the water. Seriously. You might regret it.

58. Careful who you insult. The horse lords of Rohan can be easily aggravated.

59. Always know your directions before you set out from Rivendell.

60. Make sure there aren't any dragons in the vicinity before you begin to collect gold. You might save a whole lot of people the trouble of slaying one.

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><p><strong>Feel free to leave reviews! If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them! I'm trying to get to the Hobbit. I probably won't do anything from BOTFA. It's too sad...<strong>

**WoodElfJedi**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi everyone!**

**So, due to my life suddenly being very busy at the moment, updates will be just about nada for the next few weeks. I will try my best to update, but I can't make any promises. So, just expect basically no updates for a little while.**

**I'm so sorry guys, but sometimes life happens!**

**WoodElfJedi**

**P.S. Suggestions are greatly appreciated!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi everyone! **

**Yes, the previous chapter/statement is still in effect. The only reason you're getting another chapter is because of Elite Warrior. **

**Thanks a ton, dude!**

**66, 69, and 70, are mine. The rest are his.**

**And, I'm aware that someone else PMed me some others, but unfortunately, I accidentally deleted them. To whoever it was, could you maybe resend them, please? **

**Anyway, enjoy the show!**

**Disclaimer: What can I say? If I did, I would totally be in it. Don't own.**

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><p>61. Beware of the gold a dragon has long brooded on.<p>

62. Don't awaken live dragons.

63. NEVER assume an enemy is dead. Sauron, Azog, The Nazgul (Sam thought they where dead in the Dead Marshes scene), Gollum (he fell in Shelob's lair then reappeared at Mount Doom), am I missing anyone?

64. Never trust Gollum.

65. Never say 'good morning' to an Ent. By the time they answer, it'll be night time.

66. Same goes for 'good night'.

67. Never underestimate Dwarves. They have relatives, and ravens.

68. If you think you're winning/losing, always expect a surprise army to arrive at the last moment. :)

69. Never hum and/or sing, 'We're off to the wizard' song around Gandalf, Radagast, or Saurman. Results: You don't want to know.

70. Never underestimate the stubbornness of dwarves.

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><p><strong>I hope you all enjoyed this!<strong>

**Please leave a review and any suggestions you have!**

**WoodElfJedi**


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